Monday, October 19, 2009

Breaking News: Obama Wins Heisman; GOP Apoplectic

This just in from the AP: President Barack Obama has been named the winner of the 2009 Heisman Trophy. The decision comes only a few days after Obama announced his intention to play in the Sugar Bowl.

The Heisman Trust noted that he still has four years of eligibility left over from college, and since he's pretty good at basketball, he's probably awesome at football too. Naturally, the Republican reaction has been harsh.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele made his feelings known on Sunday's Meet the Press.

"We are so super pissed that Obama gets to win the Heisman," Steele said. "He doesn't even have that good of a passing game!"

Conservative talk radio is in near meltdown, with Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity questioning why the Heisman Trust hates freedom.

Rush Limbaugh was quoted as saying, "This is Obama's America, isn't it? We're on our way to Canadian-style football, I don't even wanna buy a team anymore!" Limbaugh went on to conjecture that a grand, Chicago-based conspiracy is to blame.

But Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was philosophical about the developments.

"Don't step on the white ones," Beck said, pointing at the studio floor tiles. "Hot lava."

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin also weighed in during a pretend press conference in her basement.

"It's gotta be all about rushing yards, and such as, also folks are just real concerned about the quarterback sneak, sneakin' in to raise yer taxes," Palin said. "Are we gonna make a triple play and keep the socialists from scoring a touchdown? You betcha!" Palin added that she can see Brett Favre's ego from her house.

Even some of the president's allies were less-than-enthusiastic about the award.

"I mean, I guess it's pretty cool," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "The congratulatory resolution will probably pass with or without the Blue Dogs...I think." Pelosi added that bipartisanship is still the goal on the resolution, noting that the word congratulations is not absolutely crucial and could be replaced with way to not screw it up.

Democratic strategist Donna Brazile said she wished the President would pick one battle and win it before training for the Sugar Bowl.

At least one close Obama associate has maintained strong support for the decision. When asked about the reaction to his boss receiving the Heisman Trophy, Vice President Biden became visibly upset.

"I just think that's really unfair," said Biden, wiping away a tear as his voice broke. "That's my teammate...that's my quarterback. If you guys do that, man, that's unfair!"

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