Thursday, April 1, 2010
BREAKING NEWS: Texas Secedes; Alaska Declares Self Single, Ready to Mingle
WASILLA--The nation was stunned today as Texas and Alaska suddenly and deliberately severed their ties with the government of the United States of America.
The first state secession since the Civil War came as a surprise. Pull Out Now!, an organization of Tea Party activists, was responsible for organizing separatist movements in the two states, and organizers say they hope more states will pull out "before it's too late," according to lead organizer Levi Johnston.
Johnston later added, "Does anyone out there think I'm relevant yet?"
Speaking at a victory rally in Austin, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said she was excited about the news that the two craziest states in America would soon be joining forces.
"Ya know, the folks in Washington need to take this as a wake-up call," Palin said. "Listen, Mr. President: We love America! And gosh darn-it, the only way to save it is to leave it! We're not gonna sit by and let you wreck our country anymore. Now it's our turn!" The crowd cheered enthusiastically and waved posters of Glenn Beck.
When asked how secession was patriotic, one protester responded, "Don't step on the white ones! Hot lava!" Several others refused to comment to the "communist media" and conjectured that reporters were there on the orders of Osama bin Laden.
In Washington, the Republican Party was in total disarray. One reporter caught up with NRCC spokesman Andy Sere while he was waiting for his Happy Meal.
"I mean, whatevs. Alaska's basically Diet Canada anyway, and I don't even watch Deadliest Catch. What? You said Texas too? TEXAS?! Holy crap guys! Crap crap balls crap! That's pretty much our entire base! And all those electoral votes!" Sere then uttered a string of obscenities that led to his removal from the ball pit.
Alaska and Texas have moved remarkably fast in ejecting most federal employees from the state. Texas Gov. Rick Perry said the next order of business was to proceed with building a border wall, and then continue "de-socializing" the state. Perry added, however, that Social Security and Veterans Administration workers would be allowed to remain in the state on the request of his constituents. Perry will also attempt to preserve Medicare, citing seniors' concerns about losing their government health care.
Palin and Perry will hold a joint press conference today announcing the War on Smut, a new trade policy aimed at keeping certain items from being imported into the new nations. Among the items to be declared contraband: beakers and other lab equipment; unapproved textbooks; telescopes; sextants; "nudie-pic textin' machines" (we think they mean cell phones); vegan cookbooks; calculators; hybrid vehicles of any kind, as well as biodegradable coffee cups; coffee; soy milk and other "liberal sissy drinks"; the New York Times, the Washington Post, The Audacity of Hope and other so-called "socialist screeds"; and finally, CNN, MSNBC and Comedy Central will be barred from broadcasting into the two states. Also, the Green Bible is a no-no.
When asked for comment, President Obama simply replied, "Seriously? They really did it this time? And y'all wonder why I smoke."
Vice President Biden echoed that sentiment. "These people are so f***ing ridiculous I can't even deal with it," Biden said.